This Week in Gaming with The Satirical Troll 6/27/2020

Man Who Makes Wearing Masks A Political Issue Sick of Politics in Gaming

Kyle Hurst is a born and bred Mississippian. He is unemployed but spends most of his days on Far-Right forums defending the fact that his state’s flag is literally just the Confederate flag. He was excited to purchase his Covid 19: The Pussy Pandemic bumper sticker alongside Naughty Dog’s new release The Last of Us 2 with his welfare money that he complains about liberals giving out to people. 

After playing the game for 20 minutes and realizing that the main protagonists are a lesbian couple, he promptly took to the internet to complain about a game he had barely played. 

“I’m just so sick of people shoving their political ideologies into everything.” Kyle wrote on an alt-right facebook group page entitled “Black Lies Matter.” 

“I don’t need to have this SJW agenda forced into my game. Not everything needs to be a political statement. I’d rather spend my time going to a protest for being forced to wear a mask. Besides, how could a game about the world being ravaged by a viral outbreak possibly be relevant to me?” 

At the time of publishing, Kyle had returned to his comfort zone of Call of Duty. 

“Indiscriminately shooting brown people. Now this is my type of game.”

Game Freak Seeks to Up Community Engagement With Toxic Part of Fanbase In New MOBA

In the latest Nintendo Direct, long time Pokèmon developer Gamefreak announced a new venture for the company into the MOBA genre with Pokemon Unite. After the overwhelmingly negative response to the company cutting Pokémon out of Sword and Shield’s Pokédex, they seek to up the engagement of the toxic part of the fanbase by introducing League of Legends’ and DOTA 2’s audiences to the series. 

“We really have such a kind and dedicated fanbase,” a Pokémon Company executive said

“Now we want to tap into the toxicity that Sword and Shield brought out by catering to grown men who yell racial slurs at children online.” 

The MOBA genre seems to be a natural fit for the Pokémon IP as most of the people still buying the games are adults who want to relive their childhood years. 

“Giving people the chance to act like they’re 8 again is what we value most here at the Pokémon Company.”

Pokémon fans are looking forward to bitching about what Pokémon are excluded from the roster for a second game in a row. 

Former IGN Writer Mitch Dyer Drops Bombshell About Ex-Bosses 

Former IGN reviewer and content creator Mitch Dyer recently revealed that he was forced to run a damaging and untruthful article about Naughty Dog by his superiors at major gaming news and review outlet IGN. Dyer said on Twitter he wasn’t allowed to remove his name from the article. 

“I could not stand idly by while they forced me to throw together a bunch of garbage nobody asked for… Yeah, I’m still talking about the IGN article, why would I be talking about Battlefront 2’s story?” 

Dyer, who has since left IGN discussed the freedom his new projects allow him to exercise. 

“I’m just really, really relieved to not have to answer to a corporation who mentally and emotionally abuses their employees, and values creativity and individual thinking. Working for EA and Disney is just so liberating in that sense.” 

Dyer is currently writing the story for EA’s upcoming Star Wars: Rogue Squadron game. He’s hoping it will be just as much of an afterthought to the multiplayer mode as Battlefront 2’s campaign was. 

Los Angeles Police Officers Place Ceramic Pots on Protest Heavy Streets Hoping to Frame ANTIFA/Link 

A viral photograph of a mound of ceramic pots placed by a small business in downtown Los Angeles was circulating around social media as protests continued to rage throughout the city in an obvious attempt to bait ANTIFA members and Link from The Legend of Zelda into causing destruction. 

“Link constantly fights against an unspeakable evil in Gannondorf. It’s only a matter of time before he goes after political figures like Mitch McConnell.” One LAPD Captain said.

Link has not been identified as having a connection to ANTIFA, but he could be just as much a member as anybody else. LAPD has recently been cracking down on protesting video game characters, having shot rubber Bullet Bills at Mario and Luigi just a few days prior. President Trump addressed the issue in his latest press conference. 

“You see Link… Nasty person, right? Just… He’s the worst… Awful. He has a sword, he has bombs, my data says he’s… And we have the best data… He’s a threat to America. And his own game isn’t even named after him… Can you believe that? Everybody’s saying how much of a loser Link is.” 

No arrests have been made and the LAPD denies having planted the pots at the scene, although the rumors of arrows and rupees being inside of them is quickly taking shape.